Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime