Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

that would 100% work on me

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.