Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.