Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
You Might Also Like
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed