Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?