ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.