ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.