ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
incredible text to wake up to
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.