I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.