Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?