Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You Might Also Like
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.