This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.
*deep drag off cigarette
I was in love once, kid.
*proceeds to eat lit cigarette
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”