Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

🤝

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.