Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
You Might Also Like
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Bed should get ready for ME
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”