Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.