Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.