Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.