Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS