Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

is nasa ok

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]