me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid