Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.