Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…