Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Do not levitate over flowers
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
