Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
At ease
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.