Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*