Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

your honor my client chooses dare

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

phew

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner