Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.