Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

#Caturday

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.