Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peep davidson

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great