me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
put ‘er there pardner!
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake