me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”