me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
im 7 sauces long
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second