Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired