Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

What happened to the other hiker??!

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.