Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Priorities

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

The most precious boy

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?