Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”