Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Cake!!

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.