Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows