Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
You Might Also Like
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
an airline just for babies.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Velcrow
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”