Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

the prophecy has been fulfilled

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.