Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

I created you as mosquito food.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”