Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Me irl

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.