Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Spring cleaning checklist…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
These dogs look like they have good credit.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Couple goals
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
wtf management?!
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.