Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Hilarious if literal: arms race

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

ㅤ

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least