ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob