Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever