Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer