Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?