Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Just a bush.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Beauty and the Beast

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.