Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
You Might Also Like
Catering service
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I like crazy people until they notice me
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??