Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.