Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case