Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time