Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
Just so funny
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If you tell me you’re a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you’re referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye’s baby.