@weenbeans

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

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@MalcInYourWife

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

@psybermonkey

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@badbanana

If you tell me you’re a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you’re referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye’s baby.