me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You Might Also Like
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
LOOOOOOL
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?