Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Happy Caturday!

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.