Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

😂🍻

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.