Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

LMFAOOOO

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Running from your problems is cardio .

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout