Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”