Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
$4 #usedbooks
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Simple enough.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…