ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news