Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter fine art

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas