Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

TODAY

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.