Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Thoughts

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no