Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I’m being attacked 😭