Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know