Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Bless you
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks