Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to