Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His flabber was gasted 😂

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Dune (2021)

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.