Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him