Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You Might Also Like
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Hoping to spice up my evening
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
“The Perfect Relationship”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.