Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
the noise i just made
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend