Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

rise and shine we got egg

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder