Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

mood

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist