Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

me talking to family:
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me talking to friends:
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me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.