Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Thank you 🥹

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’