Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”