Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.