*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
definitely did not do anything wrong
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate